I have never been the type of person who is happy to stay at home all day every day, relying on Sam to bring in the money, feeling like I have to ask for every little thing that isn't essential because he earns all of the money. And if I'm being honest Sam has never been comfortable with that either, from the very beginning we have been equals and its never been a case of 'his' and 'mine', it has always been 'ours'.
So while I was on maternity leave and bored out of my mind before Harry was born, I was desperate to get back to work. I hated being home while all of my friends were working. I must have watched pretty much everything Netflix had to offer at the time and still was bored. Sam would have a day off and I would demand to do something, anything to get me out of the rut I felt I was in.
Once Harry was born, and especially in the three weeks he spent in NICU, I couldn't imagine leaving him. He was tiny and so precious, and he needed me, but a couple of months after we finally got to bring him home, I was itching to get out there. I had gotten to a point with my PND that I rarely got dressed, the curtains very rarely got opened and poor Harry was getting very little stimulation from me. Sam knew something had to change, and so in the August after Harry was born, I got back in touch with work and told them I was coming back in October when my maternity pay ran out. Thankfully I had four weeks holiday to use before the December and so we arranged for me to take those at the end of my maternity meaning I didn't actually have to go back until the November.
After that phone call, I got myself to the doctors, was diagnosed with depression and started my tablets to try and help me get my head straight.
Sam and I had had a long conversation about whether I would be returning to work full or part time. This was difficult for me as I had felt, and still do, that I had missed out on so much time with Harry when I had let my depression get so bad. I wanted to do part-time, but financially with childcare costs on top of everything else we needed to pay out for, we just couldn't see how we would make it work so I agreed to return to work full-time.
Then we needed to decide on childcare for Harry who at the time was only six months old, and i was concerned that, with his 'special needs' we needed somewhere they had experience with children with special needs. We used a childminder for a while but Harry didn't seem to be getting on there and so we decided to change to a nursery.
Looking at nursery's were scary. We didn't know what we needed to be looking for, what questions we needed to ask, what was a good price and things like that.
We looked at a few that were ridiculously expensive and with both of us on a decent wage we weren't going to get much help with paying for it, so those were out.
Then we found THE ONE. It wasn't too expensive, was perfectly located and had everything we were looking for. So we bit the bullet and went for it.
Harry's first full day with out us i must have checked my phone a million and one times before lunch but when we picked him up and saw the smile on his face we knew we had done the right thing and if I'm being honest we have never looked back. He moves from the baby room to toddlers in September and i could cry thinking about leaving the girls behind that have helped him. I have always said without them Harry wouldn't be where he is now. They have taken everything in their stride with him and he is now such a confident, happy little boy now.
I am thankful I needed to go back to work. It has given me time to be Kat and not just mummy. It has meant Harry has friends and i know he's safe. It means he gets the support he needs to develop. And we love it.